Friday, June 10, 2011

Is It Possible To Die From A Broken Heart??


Because right now I feel like I could!!
I held up great all day.
I started to think, I'll be okay.
I kept busy helping get the last of her things together.
Finished packing up, checking and double checking, even triple checking, to make sure she hadn't left anything behind.
Carried on through my day, as I would any other.
As the hours passed by.
The time for her departing kept getting pushed further and further back.
 
 Then it was time....
The drive to Lance's house to drop off one final box of stuff and for her to get ready to go.
Even as we drove there I kept thinking to myself, I can handle this.
Until I stood in the driveway and tried to say goodbye.
This strong Mom, that has tried so very hard to push her tears deep inside, to hide from her the heartache I have been feeling over the past few day, lost it at the very end.

As I went to give her a hug, the tears starting pouring out of my eyes.
As I held her in my arms, I couldn't hold her tight enough.
My arms wouldn't let go.
I knew in my head I needed to.
But I just couldn't get them to release her.
The thought that I wouldn't be able to hug her again for months kept filling my thoughts.
I was trying to take it all in, remember exactly the way this felt.
Hold on to it, as long as I could.
If I let go she would disappear.



I released her long enough to say...
"I love you with all of my heart.  I am so proud of you.  And I believe in you."

Then I found myself hugging her once again.

Finally, somehow, I managed to get in the car and drive away.

Brett kept talking to me, and eventually got my mind distracted enough to calm down.

And I thought that was all the tears there were to shed.
We were back home, watching some TV and somehow it started to feel like any other night.
She was just off doing her normal stuff and would be back shortly.

Until the text came in ...
"We're Heading Out."

And all the emotions came rushing back.


  I found myself clinching my fists and shaking my head...
"I can't do this!" Is all I could say to myself.
Rambling to myself all these crazy demands.
Trying to make some type of bargain with myself just so I could breathe.
The tears poured and I sobbed once again.


Eventually, I was able to pull myself together and carry on.

I'm still dying inside.  I can admit that.
But I am trying not to think too far ahead.
Concentrating on one second at a time, because looking ahead even one minute is too hard.
I just have to hold it together this second, now this one, now this one.

Eventually this pain has to stop, Right?
It has to get easier.

I am so proud of her, this is True.
I am so proud that she is brave enough to take a leap of faith and change her whole life to get to what she wants out of it.
She is Amazing!!


It is Me that isn't strong!
Me that isn't brave!
I want her right here with me.
I want to know that I can get to her quickly if she needs us.
I want to see her smile, when she tells me something funny.
I want her to come walking in the back door venting to me about something or someone that has made her mad.
I want her with Me.

But in the end....
Most of all, I just want Her to be happy.
I want Her to find the path she wants for herself.
I want Her to live up to her potential.
I want all of Her dreams to come true!

So I'll cry these tears.
I'll live with the broken heart.
I'll carry on day by day missing her.
Because when all is said and done...
She is what is important!



I want to thank everyone for all your supportive comments and emails.
It really means so much to me!
And like Sara said in her comment...
It is times like these that gives clarity to what is really important.

Decorating is fun.
Shopping is fun.
Creating is fun.
But family is important!
Nothing is more important than them.

And this whole situation has made me realize that more.

It also has made me very sentimental.
Thinking back over all the years.
And yes even at times, questioning myself.

Was I a good enough Mom?
Did I spend enough time with them?
Did I show them enough how much I love them?
And so on...

All I can say is, I sure hope so.
Because they all are the world to me!




Thanks for visiting and for giving me a place to come and talk this out.
It helps to have a way to release all these thoughts that are consuming my mind right now.

I know, she will be okay.
I know, I will be okay.
God has a plan.
There is a reason for everything that happens.

Take Care Everyone!!




38 comments:

Pamela@ Our Pioneer Homestead said...

Oh LOrd. Now you got me bawling.
Oh my.
It all comes down to gratitude doesn't it.
when they are very small, the days can be long,
but then in a blink- they are older. And that means I am older...
Oh Lord LOL- it as all so bittersweet it is hard to take.
I guess all we can do is be greatful.
Thanks for sharing
Many hugs, and p.s. cry as much as you need to. It's normal and it always gets better.

Primitive Echoes said...

Oh God this was worse than an episode of Army Wives. I cried like a baby reading this. God Bless you for staying strong. I would have been in the trunk. She will be great and eventually God will show you what is next for you. Okay now to find tissues. I am sorry you are so sad.
Kat

*Kountry*Porch*Primitives* said...

If only I could reach out to you to give you a hug...I am crying for you. Hang in there Tammy. This has to be one of the hardest days a parent faces. My grandma used to say that when children are little they step on your feet and when children grow up they step on your heart. You're an incredible mother, I can feel your love for her through your words, that's what will keep you going. In a short time you'll be posting about her happiness and you'll be stronger *hugs* ~Kriss~

Lorna/Live Oak Primitive Peddler said...

Hi Tammy, bless your heart!! I just now read your last post, computer was in the shop a couple days. It is so hard to let them go. And especially so far away. I know you will be fine and so will she, just shed those tears and relish in the memories.
Blessings,
Lorna

dee begg said...

Tammy,

I know words won't be much of a comfort to you right now, so I'll just send you a big ole cyber hug and say it will get easier...not better, just easier. Take care and try not to shed too many tears as crying causes wrinkles and you're way too young to have wrinkles!

(((HUGS)))

D

Traci said...

Oh Tammy, I am feeling your pain. It seems that the firsts of everything, when it comes to your children is an emotional battlefield. Indeed, there comes a time when you need to let go, let them create an independent life of their own. Then sit back an admire their accomplishments and reflect on the life skills and knowledge that you have instilled in them since birth.
Your daughter will be fine, you have done a great job as a Mom. If you hadn't, she would not have left last night, she would not have the bravery or esteem to embark on this journey in her life.

Sit back, be proud of her and yourself and know that the heartache will diminish day by day, hour by hour.

Blessings,
Traci

TheRustyThimble said...

Ok Tammy so how many words do they allow us to use in a comment LOL!!

OH how I know your feelings, 14 years ago I watched both of my older children drive away to find a new life on the northwest coast. Since then one has moved back closer to home but she has plans to go back as soon as the job opens that she is waitng for.

For 14 years my oldest son has lived in Seattle.......oh the miles .......and trust me I know how far it is by the tears that I shed on a regular basis. Yes it will get easier but you will always feel those miles.

I fear I can not paint a cozy cloud for you to feel better
Because for me I have never adapted to being that many miles apart. Our phone calls are sometimes full of nothing but silence and tears....I am just grateful that he understands his cooky mama being so mushy about missing him as bad as I do!!

It is hard to say it gets better but it does but at the same time it doesn't.....sounds strange I know but we are mamas and those are our kids!! It will take you awhile to get used to her being gone....and a long time to get used to just how far away she is.

Big BIG hugs to you.....anytime you want to cry just shoot me an email I will cry with you

Brenda

Karen/My Colonial Home said...

Tammy, I just don't know what to say - except I am a mother and I think I would feel the same way if one of my children headed out far away from me.

Praying you will get stronger as the days go by...I know you want her to be happy - that's obvious...but you are entitled to a Mother's Pain...

Karen

Grammee Linda - Behind My Red Door said...

Oh Tammmy! I know how hard this is! Our son worked in Aruba for almost a year without coming home. I wish I could send you the strenght to get through the next days and weeks but something tells my you will find it after the initial pain lessens. And it will! Sending cyber hugs!

lisa said...

Tammy, (((HUGS))) I remember dropping my daughter off at college the first time and I became a empty nester.. It was the hardest thing in the world to do.. I was letting her fly... You are letting your daughter fly.. The greatest thing that saved me was texting.. Each night I sent her a text that said "sweet dreams, love you...she responded right back.. I knew she was alright.. Unfortunately moms raise kids to fly but it hurts deep within our own hearts because our jobs are done.. Not fun...Know that your in my prayers...(((HUGS))) Lisa

Ma Teakettle said...

Oh dear sweetie...you will survive, your heart will not break, but rather bend a bit and you will find that with each day's passing the grip that is on your heart will lesson and it will be replaced with a resignation to the fact that all we can do is love them and prepare both them and us for the day that they will leave, and before you know it the days will pass and it will be the day that they return upon which you focus.

Each time they leave it get's a bit easier, though we never stop missing them.
I have BTDT and I feel your pain, but I promise you, you can survive and even thrive :)
Hugs and kisses
Ma TK

Raspberry Lane Primitives said...

Tammy: I feel your pain and yes it will get better over time.
We do have to give them wings no matter how hard it hurts us....
Hugs to you.
patti

Farmhouse prims said...

Tammy, you have such a beautiful family. I rem. being the same way though. My daughter moved to northern Va. I thought I had myself talked into being ok with her leaving. But when I gave her a hug, I broke down sobbing like a baby. It got so bad that she asked me to please quit.
I know this is what is meant to be, we raise our kids and prepare them to leave home and be on their own. And one day have families of their own.
But I hate change, why can't they be my little girl and boy forever. Well they are!!!
Have a great day and your daughter will be fine.
Bunches of Hugs, Lecia

Michelle~Sugar House Creations said...

Hugs Tammy! You both will be okay. It's easier said than done, I'm sure. I tell my son (now 14) that he can live at home forever, lol. I told him that if he goes away to college that I will have to move too, so please go to one of the local colleges. :) He is my one and only and I don't ever want him to be far away. Oh, I'm sure this isn't helping you at all, but at least you know that your feelings are normal and you aren't alone. I had him when I was just shy of 20 and we grew up together as well. It was just the two of us for a few years so I know the closeness that you two share, especially with them being the first-born. In just a few years I will probably be posting the same thing. Wahhhh!!

Misi said...

XXOO You are a Marvelous Mom! XXOO

TheCrankyCrow said...

Oh Sweet Tam - not nice to make me tear up so early in the day. ;o Your pain is so palpable....Wish there was something that I could say that could ease it, but I fear there isn't. They say when God closes a door, he opens a window....You need to hold onto that and the loving relationship and bond that you and she have built together. That didn't go miles and miles away - it's still there between you and between those miles and it is what will keep you close. Change is a part of life - without it, we'd all stagnate....So while you might not be able to "embrace" this change, you can come to accept it and look for the good things that are bound somehow to come with it - sometime, somehow....Big Hugs Girlfriend....Till it gets better, fill your days with happy things....Robin

Katherine said...

Tammy, my heart is just breaking for you. My son will be a senior next year, and I'm struggling with that, so I can only imagine how you're hurting. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Hugs,
~Kstherine

cottageprims said...

Tam~ The pain you feel just shows you are a great momma..To love your child so much.She is lucky to have you.The pain of missing her is new it will get easier as time goes by.Cry,vent,think of all the good times just let it out so you can get through it.Keeping her in my prayers for a safe journey and praying for god's comfort in the coming days for you.Hugs!~Amy

Trace4J said...

BIG HUG to you friend.
It will get a little easier..
Ugh i remember the days of missing my kids moving out.
Your daughter is beautiful.
Then some moved home. :)
Your In my Prayers
Granny Trace
www.grannytracescrapsandsquares.com

Angela said...

Tammy, Embracing you with a great big hug. Wow, such a short notice before she left. But for you maybe that was best. I share your feeling however when my daughter got married, she didn't move far away. I will never forget how I felt my heart going to rip from my chest when I came home from the wedding and went to go in house. I just sat in the car and cried for ever. My prayers are with you. I know you want her to be happy but we are Mothers and it's so hard to let loose and let go. Thinking of you.
angela

Wendy/TheCozyYellowHouse said...

I am so sorry Tammy, I know how you are feeling. Don't question your mothering, I am postitive you are a wonderful mom!! The hurt may not go away but it will get easier to live with, trust me. Take care my friend!~hugs~

The Primitive Skate said...

I'm so sorry! Hopefully it will get easier. You are a wonderful mother. My prayers are with you.
Hugs-Sandi

prims by olde lady morgan said...

OMG!!! I am crying with you!!! scared to death THIS will be me within the year too...
Just know it's because you did such a GREAT job as a mom, you gave her to confidence to do this. Be so proud.. Thinking of you! OLM

COLONY HOMESTEAD said...

Now you have me sitting here bawling..lol....yes, she will be fine and sooo will you....it gets easier...and I am sure she thanks god every single night for having you as her mamma, you have gave her to the strength and the encouragement to go after what she wants in life...xoxo....hugs to you my dear friend...

Raspberry Hill Crafts said...

It is very hard...at the age of 19 I left Scotland to fly to the states to get married...it was hard to leave and I know my mum was so upset...but now 26yrs later my mum is happy and knows it was the best thing I could have done. We live so far apart and every time I go visit and have to leave again we say we won't cry...but we do, and my dad as well now. The internet is a great thing...internet phone calls these past few yrs have made it easier. Get the webcam up and running, it is the best thing to talk and see the one's you so care about.

tamera-country at heart said...

Tam,
I know your heartache all too well.
My only child (daughter) moved away
to find her own life and family. But I still tell her the door here is always open and can come home anytime. I will always be here for her no matter what. They will always be our children no matter what their age and they will still need us as moms. It is hard when the miles are long, I know.
Now we know how our mother felt when we left the nest.
Time will help a little and staying busy too. Always keep in touch with them and remind them that they still have a place to call home.
Tamera
Country at heart

jennifer768 said...

What a beautiful ,strong (yes ,you are a strong lady}wonderful mom you are Tammy. It takes strength and courage to let go of our wants and wishes in order to give our children wings to fly.Your daughter will fly and soar high because of you and the things you taught her.May you find comfort in the days ahead. Big hugs,Jen

Sandy said...

Ohhh Tammy...you'll be OK and it's OK to cry. She is your little girl. I so dread the day when this will happen to me because like you said, Family is everything. There is nothing like family!!!

I love the pictures and boy has your kids grown over the years :) You have a beautiful family Tammy :)

Vicky said...

You made me cry, Tammy. As I was reading your post, my stereo was playing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Did you do that on purpose?!
It'll get better. She'll be back. They never forget where 'home'is!
}}Hugs{{

Vicky

Ellie's Country Accents said...

Tammy,
I know how hard it is to let your children go. Lots of hugs and tears, each time they leave. But I always remember whar my Dad said as he huged me on my 50th Birthday "you'll always be my baby". Think of something similar between you and your daughter. As I hug my grown sons, I'll occasionally say that to them and they smile and say "Yea". Thinking of you.
Hugs, Ellie

The Frenzied Fox said...

I am so sorry Tammy :( I will be praying for you! ***Hugs***

Nana's Fun Stuff said...

Oh Tammy you had me in tears. Being a Mom of 3 and having to go through this with all of them, I know exactly what you are feeling.

So many emotions, life has now changed for good BUT I can tell you that you raised her very well and she carries that with her constantly. She will be just fine and you will now enter the next phase of your relationship that will be much stronger than you can possibly imagine.

One day at a time, take time for yourself and know that we're all here for you. Tears are OK.

Big hugs!!
Laura

Brenda said...

Nobody tells you how hard the process of letting go is. You had me crying with these last two posts. It was so good to know though that I am not the only one who is not looking forward to a child leaving the nest. Hugs to you. Thank you for being so transparent. It is so refreshing. Praying for you.

Deppen homestead 1862 said...

Tammy
Hugs to you~ Sweet Mom~ my prayers for you for your strength~
The pictures of the family in the post & sidebar~ are wonderful~ So many wonderful cherished memories~
Big HUG!
Teresa

The Prim Colonial said...

I just got off the phone with my gal all the way in Hawaii....I know what you mean. I know this is not easy. I just want to tell you I am lifting you in prayer. Take a moment and salute yourself for raising a wonderful young woman, ready for a new journey! What a joy to see them successful, happy and reaching for the stars. God bless! ~~ Beth

The Prim Colonial said...

Here is a great song for this time: Mark Harris Find your wings. Have tissues handy, and take to heart the beautiful message!

Beth

Roberta said...

It's hard on us moms, but you have to be proud that you raised your daughter to be strong, confident and adventurous. Both my boys left to go to colleges far away and the consolation is knowing they're happy and pursuing their dreams. Wishing you peace and comfort. ~Roberta

Allison said...

Hugs Tammi---My daughter went to college 2 hours away from home last September. I was a mess when she left, hoping she would change her mind and attend the community college but she didn't. She's home for the summer and we're enjoying her, she'll soon be heading back to college and we'll have to do it all over again. Those kids grow up too fast. I'm sure you were and are a wonderful mother and your kiddos have great memories. I love your pictures and the family ones. I hope things get better, your making me get teary eyed too. Hang in there mama.