I must warn you now; this post may be all over the place!
That is just how my mind works sometimes.
I actually have started and stopped this post many of times in the past, but maybe its time to actually see it through.
I think, the reason I haven’t been able to do it is that it would make everything feel more real.
But it is real, it is what it is, and maybe, just maybe, I will feel better if I just get it out.
I can admit that it is difficult for me.
If you have followed my blog for any time, you know I’m not big on sharing personal stuff.
Not that there is anything wrong with doing so, it is just not my way. It doesn't come easily to me.
I'm the type of person that holds everything inside.
Verbally I shut down when something is bothering me. This, however, doesn't stop all the things from rattling constantly in my head.
I am posting about this mainly for two reasons, one because maybe I just need to get it out, maybe reading what I wrote might make me feel better, and two maybe it will help someone who is going through the same type of situation.
So here it is…
We are going to be selling our house.
Whew! You have no idea how hard that was to say.
But the time has come, and it is what it is.
For those of you wondering… Why???
Well, that is not a simple question to answer.
I guess the best way to help you understand is to take you back to the beginning.
You see, years ago when we decided to build, we moved into the upstairs of my Mom and Dads.
We decided to start saving while we got some bids on building a house.
So we met with many contractors and everyone kept giving us bids outside our price range.
But we kept looking, and finally we came across one.
An older man who had been building houses for many years.
When we got his bid in, I cried out in joy, Yipeee!!
Exactly what we needed it to come in at.
Now on to financing….
We got turned down by a couple of banks, looking back now I think I understand why, but at the time we just kept looking.
Our contractor suggested a bank to try, so we did.
When we told them who was building it, they approved the loan.
It was bid at $155,000 and approx. 10 to 12 months to build.
Ground broke, the house was started and SLOWLY coming along.
1 year anniversary at my M&D’s past, then 2 years past, and money was gone, house was no where near finished.
Over time the bank gave an extension to $165,000, nope still not done, then $175,000 and when that was gone, it still was not finished.
By this time, year 3 was quickly approaching and the head of the bank met with us and the builder.
And basically, the contactor told the bank he wasn't going to finish the house if they didn't fund the money.
So they did, all the while Brett and I are thinking, What the Heck!!!
He signed a contract. Yes, we can understand going over some but this is getting ridiculous. But here Brett and I are, both sick of living in 2 small rooms in my parents upstairs, tired of not having a home, tired of the hassle, tired of everything.
So basically the bank told the contractor, just go get it done.
In the end the house ended up costing us well over $200,000.
And here is the truth….
It did cost that much to build it. I’m not denying that.
Our contractor wasn’t in any way misappropriating the funds.
He supplied us (the bank and us) with receipts for every penny. And this didn't even count the out of pocket expenses Brett and I paid when the money kept running low.
Brett and I paid for most of the bathroom fixtures, light fixtures, and all appliances out of our own pocket, when they were originally counted in to the bid.
So yes, the actual cost of the house was what we paid, but it was the fact that the contractor so drastically underbid it, and in no way had to answer or take any type of responsibility for it.
To this day, it still makes me angry.
No, I didn't expect him to eat all of it, but he should have shouldered some of the responsibility.
Instead he and the bank treated us, like we had done something wrong… Ridiculous when all we did was get a bid and agree to let him build for us.
Come to find out why the bank bent over and kissed his butt, why they let him to do what ever he want, well….
When all the hassles happened, we then found out that our contractor and his lawyer son, both sat on the bank board!!
Are you kidding me????
Um, isn't this something we should've been informed about before hand??
And then a few months after we moved into the house, we heard our contractor died of brain cancer.
Hummm, did this factor into why it was so underbid?
Was the bank aware of his condition??
Was his son??
Don't get me wrong, his crew did a wonderful job on the house. He didn't do much of the building, just the business part of it. But looking back now knowing what I know, I wonder how much of this was because of his illness and how much did others know and keep from us??
Okay, now we are all moved in and everything is fine. Yes, it came in Way Over what we had planned, but we were making it fine.
Then approx 3 years ago….
My husband lost his delivery contract!
Yes, he is an officer but our main source of income was from the business.
Looking back now, maybe we should have put it on the market when this first happened. But this is our home. Neither of us wanted to move. So we kept hanging on thinking it would work out.
And well, it has for the most part, but it has been tight.
Like wearing a pair of pants 3 sizes too small tight!!
Over the last couple of years, we have been talking about selling.
Kelsey has moved out, Mitch is grown, our youngest daughter will graduate from HS next year, so maybe its time.
Yes, in a perfect world we would chose to stay.
But is it really worth it??
Living for a house, I mean.
That is what we are doing right now.
Brett and I used to always take little get-a-ways, we use to take the kids on trips, and now, well, we don't.
We just don’t have the extra money to blow on such things.
The stress of all of it is starting to affect his health. His blood pressure has been super high lately. The doctor put him on 2 blood pressure medicines but it doesn't seem to be helping much. This has both of us worried. He’s only a little younger than what his dad was when he had his 1st stroke.
We don't want to see this happen to him, especially over a house!!
We both now work for the company he lost the contract to, for a fraction of the money we once made.
He works all day, then comes home and gets to rest for a couple of hours, then goes back to work driving.
I drive during the day, and he wants me to go with him most nights so he doesn't have to be alone.
It is getting to be too much, for both of us.
Do I love my house? Yes and No.
I love decorating it, I love taking pictures of it, I love tweaking it, but at the end of the day…
It is just a house!
I don’t love it any more than all the other homes we have owned. Yes, we have owned a few over the years.
This house is just a place, a thing.
My family, fun times, memories, that is what I love most.
That is what is important!
Here is another truth, I’m not even sure the selling of the house is what is bothering me most.
Well, that might change when it actually becomes a reality.
But right now I feel what is most troublesome is the unknown.
Where will we go??
We know we will have to rent for awhile until we get a game plan, and find another house.
I admit it, I don't want to rent.
I've done it before and I am not looking forward to doing it again.
I just want to be settled.
I want to be home, and never have to move again!
Plus we have pets. Most places say no pets. Well, I cant get rid of them, they are my family too. So that adds a pressure.
Then I am reminded of all the half finished projects around here. Those have to be finished. so there is that pressure.
Then there is the pressure of actually showing the house.
The keeping it clean and tidy because you never know when the phone is going to ring with someone wanting to see it.
And even though it may not appear like it in the photos I share on here, my house is lived in!! No, it isn't filthy, but its also not spotless. I don't have time to keep every little space perfect for a potential buyer. Which is something one must do when it is on the market.
Speaking of the market…
There is that pressure.
Today's market isn't the best.
There aren't a lot of people looking for $200,000+ houses, especially where I live.
I cant sell it for less than I owe.
Lately, this is all just wearing me out!
I feel lost, sad, mad, frustrated, and most of all stuck!
As most of you know, I am a child of God. I believe in the power of faith, positive thinking and prayer.
But I shamefully admit…. I have been struggling with it lately.
Feeling like I am alone. Feeling as though my prayers are being ignored, even though I know they aren’t.
I know they are heard, I know answers to all my questions are coming, but at the same time the childish part of me, wants them now. On my timeline.
I feel like this has been going on for years, well, actually it has, but I feel like I’m getting to my breaking point.
I want change! I want laughter, I want fun, I want easy for awhile.
I know I’m going to have to get a hold of myself.
Quit swimming in this pity pool I have been in here lately.
So once again, I am turning to my followers of faith….
Please say a prayer for me and my family.
Pray for strength, pray for answers, pray for guidance, most of all pray for Gods will to be done in our life, and that we will see, understand and know what he wants us to do.
I guess, that is why I have hung on as long as I have. I felt like, at the time, God answered my prayers, and gave me the house I wanted so badly.
I have struggled with the thought that if I sold it, I would be in some way turning my back on faith that God will provide.
Time keeps going by, things aren’t getting better, it is depriving us of the the things that are really important in life, it is affecting my husbands health.
So, it is leaving me to believe that maybe God did answer my prayers and gave me the house of my dreams, just not forever.
Maybe I went through this journey for a reason. Maybe he wanted to show me that a house doesn't make life worth living.
Life is much more than that.
At least, that is what I am coming to terms with.
I’m not selling because I have lost my faith, I am selling because of it.
Life isn't to be lived on my terms, but on his.
So it brings me back to the start of this post….
We are going to be selling our house.